life – Page 2 – BethSings

Going Dark

July 1, 2013. One year ago I clearly remember looking in a mirror and saying: ‘Enough! Move forward! This next year will be one of exploration, risk-taking, wandering, wondering, ‘following your bliss’. No looking back except to mend what can be mended.”

It’s been a year of friends, new beginnings, rediscovery, old dogs, new tricks. Shedding the skin of unnecessary drivel and looking to dawns, gloamings and the moments in between; remembering to stay in the moment when the passion got the best of me. Some days seemed endless. Some were far too short. Most were about gratitude for what is and trusting the process.
Never a perfectionist, I do confess to being a ‘doer’, pursuing activities like some people collect stamps or chotchkies. Somewhere along this year’s journey I rediscovered peace, the joy of solitude. That ‘no’ and stillness are both good. That being true to myself is paramount. That friendship is precious.

Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard said, “A saint is the person who can will the one thing.” I am far from being a saint but I believe he was describing a person who knows the one important thing to say “yes” to. During this year I discovered the distractions of an abundance of “good things” that left me with no energy or desire for the “one thing”. We’re often so busy doing the many to find ‘the one.’ Examining what keeps us from being the best, we’re quick to crown the enemy as something terrible and negative. What we fail to recognize is that often “the enemy of the best can be the good.”

In the theatre the term “dark” means when it’s closed to the public, between productions or on non-performance days. A few months back I decided I’d go ‘dark’ in July 2014 so that moving forward I could ‘will the one’ for the next year more carefully. Last year was a great adventure but it’s time to discern in ‘the dark’so that next year will be focused, bright and beautiful.

Wisdom Journey

Saturday was the Summer Solstice. A time to renew, refresh, reinvent. Within. Around. Remembering that in doing and not doing there is joy. Sometimes it takes a while to discover the rhythm but once found the cadence of summer is sweet .

Joseph Campbell called it ‘following your bliss’. I rediscovered those delightful days last summer— along with this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. . http://intoitevents.com/2014/05/29/like-a-river/

“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back.”

This summer I’ve remembered the flow of that river with ‘no forcing or holding back’, ‘the song as no one ever has’. The discovery that we each compose our own song is sweet and freeing.

Not that I hadn’t been true to the journey….sometimes there’s a detour, a bend in the river….. a flat tire….

I once thought to be true to myself meant embracing the world with a wide-eyed, über-enthusiastic grasp. Doing EVERYTHING with such passion. Now I believe it’s wiser-eyed enthusiasm. A passionate calm. Making wise choices about time, talent, treasure. Friends. Family. Sometimes easier said than done on the journey.

I was reminded of a personal anecdote last week. At age four I walked seven blocks to my grandparents house without my parents permission or knowledge. My parents thought I was lost, missing. The family story goes that when I was asked how I got there I answered: “On my own two yegs“. Was the act independent and fearless or disobedient, I don’t remember. I’ve thought about that little girl; the courage to take that seven block journey, other life journeys.

Yes, summer is quiet. A time of wisdom. Standing at the door….ready and waiting….. on my ‘on two yegs’.

“The Tea Girls”

The first week of May.

Quite frankly, my head has been spinning about what to write. Motherhood. Children. Rites of passage. Joy. Gratitude. . . for mothers and children, school years ending and summers beginning, friends and family and forgiveness…..

Song a May Morning

I recently read an on-line story that the best Mother’s Day gifts involved leaving mom alone. Admittedly when my children were very small quiet, some occasional alone-time might have been very welcome. Sleep was a rare commodity. Spending quality time with other adults, girl-friends was cherished.

I’ve been blessed to have remarkable friends throughout my life. Male and Female. There are no time limits, labels or geography when it comes to those kind of friends. I have a friend who says: “time stands still on those kind of friendships.” She’s right.

When I first relocated to Baton Rouge, my children were young I joined a ‘play group’ with four other young mothers. We met at first on Tuesdays, then eventually branched out….sharing everything from swimming lessons to understanding what happened at the pediatrician to First Communions. Growing Up. Starting school. We were all ‘transplants’, none of us had local family so it was nice knowing there was a safety net of friends.

It became the custom for our group to go to High Tea on the Saturday before Mother’s Day. Clotted cream, lemon curd, scones….a May tradition. Looking back, we started as young mothers going to ‘play dates’ and transformed into the ‘The Tea Girls’, a diverse yet supportive group of friends. During ‘teas’ we shared our hopes and dreams for the future. Clearly being a mother was the most important work any of us would do…..will ever do….but as creative individuals we had the support of each other to ‘bounce’ ideas: What about this business venture? What about grad school?

In the twenty- five plus years since we became friends some of us have moved to other cities, divorced, remarried, seen our own children get married. We have supported each other through the loss of parents and illness within the group. Friends, good friends, keep us grounded and healthy. They are a mirror for our soul. This group was that.

There is little doubt in my mind that much of the credit for my success as a mother came from the example of my own mother. If Yvonne was gently whispering in one ear, I was lucky enough to have “The Tea Girls” whispering in the other. I’m grateful for both pieces of wisdom and for the Saturday before Mother’s Day….

Today, as we honor mothers I’ll be nibbling on scones and lifting my cup…to My Mother….to Your Mother….”Tea Girls”everywhere…..and to the children they raised…..

Foolish Consistency

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds….

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Rarely at a loss for words, I was stumped for this week’s blog until today. Writer and photographer’s block!

Saturday afternoon I found myself at a women’s gymnastics meet sans camera. I’m not certain I would’ve or COULD’VE taken pictures. Oh, people were certainly snapping away. I even took one from my phone. Having never attended a meet before I didn’t know what to expect. By the end I was frazzled by the hustle-bustle-circus-like atmosphere of the event. I longed for quiet, peace, reflection~spent Sunday recuperating. When I was younger I liked the circus. Most of us grow. Up or otherwise.

When I first rediscovered photography I took lots of photos of clouds storing them in a folder labeled: “Up in the Air”. The click of the shutter quietened my mind, heart and spirit just as surely as any metronome ever did when I practiced the piano, singing or studying a score. The new vision was spontaneous yet consistent and comforting, like an old friend. I couldn’t place why until this week.

“While she danced without a net upon the wire….”

Decades ago, I learned that comforting dance with a camera. Mr. Gallien, my science teacher was inspiring, patient and creative. He built a dark room in the corner of the science lab so we could learn to develop film. He took us on adventures beyond the classroom, exploring the world through the lens. It was mysterious, magical and musical…red light, clicking of the shutter. “Up in the Clouds.” The journey from there to here……from clouds to circus has sometimes been circuitous. I’ve discovered I like spontaneity balanced with consistency.

Quiet. Foolish. Consistency.

The Journey by Mary Oliver

Today in quiet I reflected on journeys….

Casavant Mechanical Action Organ 2 Manuals, 25 Stops, 33 Ranks, 2011, St. Aloysius Church

choices…..

while sparkling through “a foolish consistency”……

Baptism Window~St. Aloysius Church, Baton Rouge, La. Stained Glass Art~Dufour-Corso Studio

Journey Window~St. Aloysius Church, Baton Rouge La. Stained Glass Art by Dufour~Corso

In the quiet, it all seems less foolish and much more consistent…

April Abandon

April.

Spring is dressed up in all her finery. I’ve learned to appreciate Spring without waiting for the other shoe to drop. Discovered order out of chaos. I’m a person who likes traditions and memories as much as I like knowing there is hope in tomorrow, being aware of the possible of each moment. SERENDIPITY!

Once, April began an adventure to a yesterday I chose not to remember. Now the journey is creative, collaborative, filled with a different abandon. Paradigm Shift.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Recently my daughter Sarah, a graduate film student asked people to submit experiences about “loss” or being “lost”: anything from losing keys to more profound experiences. St. Anthony certainly came to mind since I’ve evoked him plenty during my life: “Tony, Tony please come round…..”. Ultimately, I submitted something a little more reflective.

Shout for joy, O daughter Zion! Sing joyfully, O Israel! Be glad and exult with all your heart! Zephaniah 3:14

Beauty. Loss. Struggle. Finding a way…

When I was very young I went with my parents and older brother to the Louisiana State Fair in Shreveport. I remember the bright lights and music of the midway, the smell of the carnival food. Somehow I was separated from them. Hazy memory: the loudspeaker blares my name, my mother calls for me, my father picks me up. I am safe. I used to dream that memory.

April 19, 1985. I’m called to the phone during a choir rehearsal. Busy, I say. Take a message, I say. Urgent. Come with abandon. I take the call. My brother with news. The minute I hear his first word….. I know.

The unsettling confusion I remembered encountering on the midway returned. Loss. Lost. Change so visceral you can taste it. Until that day if anyone had ever asked my greatest fear I would’ve said: ‘losing my mother’. I was twenty-five. Naive. Sheltered……Unconditionally loved.

My mother had experienced loss: her only brother in his 30’s, the

month before I was born; her mother, other relatives, friends . I witnessed her strength, her intelligence, her faith in life’s scenarios: joys and struggles. It has been one of her greatest lessons to me. In her short life, 59 years, she showed me how to live with style and grace.

I’ve wondered how I could ever be the person my parents were: honest, involved, fun, loving, warm. They raised me to live an independent life…as me, not them. Exactly want I for my own children. Because of that example there is no loss; I am not lost or abandoned.

My parents words have stuck with me, reminding me to be a person of faith and not fear, guiding me along the right path, to love all people and walk humbly. Even when I have stumbled, their wisdom and spirit have brought truth to a world often absent of it. Not the least of which: I was born in their heart. Because of it I carry a piece of theirs in mine. . . for the journey. . .with sheer abandon…but never abandoned.

Here’s to the beautiful people finding a way….

How Can I Keep From Singing

“There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret– or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today” (from the musical~RENT)

Saturday night I found myself standing at a well.

Staring at the darting fish, I considered the woman at the well. Dry. Searching. Avoiding. “No day but today.” Like her and even the koi, at times I’ve experienced isolation or chosen to hide under a rock. As I stood there staring, pondering….I heard these words: Women by May Swenson

I laughed. At the words. At myself. At my arrival at that profound, perfect moment.

“No day…..but….” So many times we stop short. Second guess. “What if”. Think too hard, too much rather than swimming forward or even resting in the possible….we stop short of ‘today’.

The now. A present. Gift.

“There’s only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is right
No other course
No other way
No day but today”

Music and especially singing has brought delight to my life, especially nurturing singers. Mythologist Joseph Campbell wrote: “Follow your bliss”. Often, singers take an abstract approach to the art form surrendering to the possible through imagery. We balance both worlds: Art and science; collaborating, joining with others to bring about a cathartic experience. To achieve this, artists become vulnerable and relinquish control. Call it serendipity. Magic. Miracle.

“No day but today.”

Just as the woman at the well, our souls and spirits thirst. We hide in shadows or dart about under rocks searching for who knows what until we find or remember those like-minded others.

“I can’t control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be”.

Busy. Excuses. “Let go.” “No day but today.” The path is there just as surely as the notes on a page. Trusting and saying ‘yes’ to the possible then trusting others….

We’re told that ‘hope does not disappoint’. Sometimes we don’t know for what we hope, which makes the quenching more difficult.

Standing now at a different “well”. This one is in the knowing that all will be well, grateful for the path and song that lead me to this day. There really is “no day but today”. Seize it! And SING!

“There’s only now
There’s only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today”